When The Veil Is Lifted…

It’s like a veil has lifted…
It’s a veil that has clouded my existence for close to 10 years.
A veil that fell upon my world the moment I got the news you were no longer with us.
It was a veil that kept me small, for it was safer to be small than to be seen in all the mess.
It was a veil that kept me small, for all the emotions were too much to deal with.
It was a veil that kept me small, for I did not want my emotions to make others uncomfortable.
It was a veil that I have been fighting against for 10 years.
A veil that, for 5 years, I have found myself under.
A veil that, for 5 years, I learnt from and let reshape me.
A veil that, for 5 years, I have used to hide myself so I could heal.
A veil that felt safe, a veil that I am ready to let go of.

I always knew there was a part of me that died that day, a part of me that died with you. The version of me that existed with you in this world.

What I didn’t realise until now was how much there was a part of me that decided to hide that day. A part of me that I shut off to the world, for it was safer to remain unseen. It was safer to turn off the emotion, to turn down my voice, because being seen in the overwhelming grief was all too much. There was a part of me that decided to play it safe. There was a part of me that decided to live life for both of us… and that is where the conflict began. The two parts of me who wanted different things.

Now is the time—the veil has been lifted on the conflict, and I decide it’s time to simply be me and live for me. For you lived a great life full of smiles, and I know you would want me to do the same.